The Complete Plays Read online

  SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. Thank you.

  As he reaches the door, LADY CHILTERN enters from her boudoir.

  LADY CHILTERN. You are not going, Robert?

  SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. I have some letters to write, dear.

  LADY CHILTERN (going to him). You work too hard, Robert. You seem never to think of yourself, and you are looking so tired.

  SIR ROBERT CHILTERN. It is nothing, dear, nothing.

  He kisses her and goes out.

  LADY CHILTERN (to LORD GORING). Do sit down. I am so glad you have called. I want to talk to you about … well, not about bonnets, or the Woman’s Liberal Association. You take far too much interest in the first subject, and not nearly enough in the second.

  LORD GORING. You want to talk to me about Mrs. Cheveley?

  LADY CHILTERN. Yes. You have guessed it. After you left last night I found out that what she had said was really true. Of course I made Robert write her a letter at once, withdrawing his promise.

  LORD GORING. So he gave me to understand.

  LADY CHILTERN. To have kept it would have been the first stain on a career that has been stainless always. Robert must be above reproach. He is not like other men. He cannot afford to do what other men do. (She looks at LORD GORING, who remains silent.) Don’t you agree with me? You are Robert’s greatest friend. You are our greatest friend, Lord Goring. No one, except myself, knows Robert better than you do. He has no secrets from me, and I don’t think he has any from you.

  LORD GORING. He certainly has no secrets from me. At least I don’t think so.

  LADY CHILTERN. Then am I not right in my estimate of him? I know I am right. But speak to me frankly.

  LORD GORING (looking straight at her). Quite frankly?

  LADY CHILTERN. Surely. You have nothing to conceal have you?

  LORD GORING. Nothing. But, my dear Lady Chiltern, I think, if you will allow me to say so, that in practical life –

  LADY CHILTERN (smiling). Of which you know so little, Lord Goring –

  LORD GORING. Of which I know nothing by experience, though I know something by observation. I think that in practical life there is something about success, actual success, that is a little unscrupulous, something about ambition that is unscrupulous always. Once a man has set his heart and soul on getting to a certain point, if he has to climb the crag, he climbs the crag; if he has to walk in the mire –

  LADY CHILTERN. Well.?

  LORD GORING. He walks in the mire. Of course I am only talking generally about life.

  LADY CHILTERN (gravely). I hope so. Why do you look at me so strangely, Lord Goring?

  LORD GORING. Lady Chiltern, I have sometimes thought that … perhaps you are a little hard in some of your views on life. I think that … often you don’t make sufficient allowances. In every nature there are elements of weakness, or worse than weakness. Supposing, for instance, that – that any public man, my father, or Lord Merton, or Robert, say, had, years ago, written some foolish letters to someone …

  LADY CHILTERN. What do you mean by a foolish letter?

  LORD GORING. A letter gravely compromising one’s position. I am only putting an imaginary case.

  LADY CHILTERN. Robert is as incapable of doing a foolish thing as he is of doing a wrong thing.

  LORD GORING (after a long pause). Nobody is incapable of doing a foolish thing. Nobody is incapable of doing a wrong thing.

  LADY CHILTERN. Are you a Pessimist? What will the other dandies say? They will all have to go into mourning.

  LORD GORING (rising). No, Lady Chiltern, I am not a Pessimist. Indeed I am not sure that I quite know what Pessimism really means. All I do know is that life cannot be understood without much charity, cannot be lived without much charity. It is love, and not German philosophy, that is the true explanation of this world, whatever may be the explanation of the next. And if you are ever in trouble, Lady Chiltern, trust me absolutely, and I will help you in every way I can. If you ever want me, come to me for my assistance, and you shall have it. Come at once to me.

  LADY CHILTERN (looking at him in surprise). Lord Goring, you are talking quite seriously. I don’t think I ever heard you talk seriously before.

  LORD GORING (laughing). You must excuse me, Lady Chiltern. It won’t occur again, if I can help it.

  LADY CHILTERN. But I like you to be serious.

  Enter MABEL CHILTERN, in the most ravishing frock.

  MABEL CHILTERN. Dear Gertrude, don’t say such a dreadful thing to Lord Goring. Seriousness would be very unbecoming to him. Good afternoon, Lord Goring! Pray be as trivial as you can.

  LORD GORING. I should like to, Miss Mabel, but I am afraid I am … a little out of practice this morning; and besides, I have to be going now.

  MABEL CHILTERN. Just when I have come in! What dreadful manners you have! I am sure you were very badly brought up.

  LORD GORING. I was.

  MABEL CHILTERN. I wish I had brought you up!

  LORD GORING. I am sorry you didn’t.

  MABEL CHILTERN. It is too late now, I suppose?

  LORD GORING (smiling). I am not so sure.

  MABEL CHILTERN. Will you ride tomorrow morning?

  LORD GORING. Yes, at ten.

  MABEL CHILTERN. Don’t forget.

  LORD GORING. Of course I shan’t. By the way, Lady Chiltern, there is no list of your guests in The Morning Post of today. It has apparently been crowded out by the County Council, or the Lambeth Conference, or something equally boring. Could you let me have a list? I have a particular reason for asking you.

  LADY CHILTERN. I am sure Mr. Trafford will be able to give you one.

  LORD GORING. Thanks, so much.

  MABEL CHILTERN. Tommy is the most useful person in London.

  LORD GORING (turning to her). And who is the most ornamental?

  MABEL CHILTERN (triumphantly). I am.

  LORD GORING. How clever of you to guess it! (Takes up his hat and cane.) Good-bye, Lady Chiltern! You will remember what I said to you, won’t you?

  LADY CHILTERN. Yes; but I don’t know why you said it to me.

  LORD GORING. I hardly know myself. Good-bye, Miss Mabel!

  MABEL CHILTERN (with a little moue of disappointment). I wish you were not going. I have had four wonderful adventures this morning; four and a half, in fact. You might stop and listen to some of them.

  LORD GORING. How very selfish of you to have four and a half! There won’t be any left for me.

  MABEL CHILTERN. I don’t want you to have ally. They would not be good for you.

  LORD GORING. That is the first unkind thing you have ever said to me. How charmingly you said it! Ten tomorrow.

  MABEL CHILTERN. Sharp.

  LORD GORING. Quite sharp. But don’t bring Mr. Trafford.

  MABEL CHILTERN (with a little toss of the head). Of course I shan’t bring Tommy Trafford. Tommy Trafford is in great disgrace.

  LORD GORING. I am delighted to hear it.

  Bows and goes out.

  MABEL CHILTERN. Gertrude, I wish you would speak to Tommy Trafford.

  LADY CHILTERN. What has poor Mr. Trafford done this time? Robert says he is the best secretary he has ever had.

  MABEL CHILTERN. Well, Tommy has proposed to me again. Tommy really does nothing but propose to me. He proposed to me last night in the music-room, when I was quite unprotected, as there was an elaborate trio going on. I didn’t dare to make the smallest repartee, I need hardly tell you. If I had, it would have stopped the music at once. Musical people are so absurdly unreasonable. They always want one to be perfectly dumb at the very moment when one is longing to be absolutely deaf. Then he proposed to me in broad daylight this morning, in front of that dreadful statue of Achilles. Really, the things that go on in front of that work of art are quite appalling. The police should interfere. At luncheon I saw by the glare in his eye that he was going to propose again, and I just managed to check him in time by assuring him that I was a bimetallist. Fortunately I don’t know what bimetallism means. And I d
on’t believe anybody else does either. But the observation crushed Tommy for ten minutes. He looked quite shocked. And then Tommy is so annoying in the way he proposes. If he proposed at the top of his voice, I should not mind so much. That might produce some effect on the public. But he does it in a horrid confidential way. When Tommy wants to be romantic he talks to one just like a doctor. I am very fond of Tommy, but his methods of proposing are quite out of date. I wish, Gertrude, you would speak to him, and tell him that once a week is quite often enough to propose to anyone, and that it should always be done in a manner that attracts some attention.

  LADY CHILTERN. Dear Mabel, don’t talk like that. Besides, Robert thinks very highly of Mr. Trafford. He believes he has a brilliant future before him.

  MABEL CHILTERN. Oh! I wouldn’t marry a man with a future before him for anything under the sun.

  LADY CHILTERN. Mabel!

  MABEL CHILTERN. I know, dear. You married a man with a future, didn’t you? But then Robert was a genius, and you have a noble, self-sacrificing character. You can stand geniuses. I have no character at all, and Robert is the only genius I could ever bear. As a rule, I think they are quite impossible. Geniuses talk so much, don’t they? Such a bad habit! And they are always thinking about themselves, when I want them to be thinking about me. I must go round now and rehearse at Lady Basildon’s. You remember, we are having tableaux, don’t you? The Triumph of something, I don’t know what! I hope it will be triumph of me. Only triumph I am really interested in at present. (Kisses LADY CHILTERN and goes out; then comes running back.) Oh, Gertrude, do you know who is coming to see you? That dreadful Mrs. Cheveley, in a most lovely gown. Did you ask her?

  LADY CHILTERN (rising). Mrs. Cheveley! Coming to see me? Impossible!

  MABEL CHILTERN. I assure you she is coming upstairs, as large as life and not nearly so natural.

  LADY CHILTERN. You need not wait, Mabel. Remember, Lady Basildon is expecting you.

  MABEL CHILTERN. Oh! I must shake hands with Lady Markby. She is delightful. I love being scolded by her.

  Enter MASON.

  MASON. Lady Markby. Mrs. Cheveley.

  Enter LADY MARKBY and MRS CHEVELEY.

  LADY CHILTERN (advancing to meet them). Dear Lady Markby, how nice of you to come and see me! (Shakes hands with her, and bows somewhat distantly to MRS. CHEVELEY.) Won’t you sit down, Mrs. Cheveley?

  MRS. CHEVELEY. Thanks. Isn’t that Miss Chiltern? I should like so much to know her.

  LADY CHILTERN. Mabel, Mrs. Cheveley wishes to know you.

  MABEL CHILTERN gives a little nod.

  MRS. CHEVELEY (sitting down). I thought your frock so charming last night, Miss Chiltern. So simple and … suitable.

  MABEL CHILTERN. Really? I must tell my dressmaker. It will be such a surprise to her. Good-bye, Lady Markby!

  LADY MARKBY. Going already?

  MABEL CHILTERN. I am so sorry but I am obliged to. I am just off to rehearsal. I have got to stand on my head in some tableaux.

  LADY MARKBY. On your head, child? Oh! I hope not. I believe it is most unhealthy.

  Takes a seat on the sofa next LADY CHILTERN.

  MABEL CHILTERN. But it is for an excellent charity: in aid of the Undeserving, the only people I am really interested in. I am the secretary, and Tommy Trafford is treasurer.

  MRS. CHEVELEY. And what is Lord Goring?

  MABEL CHILTERN. Oh! Lord Goring is president.

  MRS. CHEVELEY. The post should suit him admirably, unless he has deteriorated since I knew him first.

  LADY MARKBY (reflecting). You are remarkably modern, Mabel. A little too modern perhaps. Nothing is so dangerous as being too modern. One is apt to grow old-fashioned quite suddenly. I have known many instances of it.

  MABEL CHILTERN. What a dreadful prospect!

  LADY MARKBY. Ah! my dear, you need not be nervous. You will always be as pretty as possible. That is the best fashion there is, and the only fashion that England succeeds in setting.

  MABEL CHILTERN (with a curtsey) Thank you so much, Lady Markby, for England … and myself.

  Goes out.

  LADY MARKBY (turning to LADY CHILTERN). Dear Gertrude, we just called to know if Mrs. Cheveley’s diamond brooch has been found.

  LADY CHILTERN. Here?

  MRS. CHEVELEY. Yes. I missed it when I got back to Claridge’s, and I thought I might possibly have dropped it here.

  LADY CHILTERN. I have heard nothing about it. But I will send for the butler and ask. (Touches the bell.)

  MRS. CHEVELEY. Oh, pray don’t trouble, Lady Chiltern. I dare say I lost it at the Opera, before we came on here.

  LADY MARKBY. Ah yes, I suppose it must have been at the Opera. The fact is, we all scramble and jostle so much nowadays that I wonder we have anything at all left on us at the end of an evening. I know myself that, when I am coming back from the Drawing Room, I always feel as if I hadn’t a shred on me, except a small shred of decent reputation, just enough to prevent the lower classes making painful observations through the windows of the carriage. The fact is that our Society is terribly over-populated. Really, someone should arrange a proper scheme of assisted emigration. It would do a great deal of good.

  MRS. CHEVELEY. I quite agree with you, Lady Markby. It is nearly six years since I have been in London for the Season, and I must say Society has become dreadfully mixed. One sees the oddest people everywhere.

  LADY MARKBY. That is quite true, dear. But one needn’t know them. I’m sure I don’t know half the people who come to my house. Indeed, from all I hear, I shouldn’t like to.

  Enter MASON.

  LADY CHILTERN. What sort of a brooch was it that you lost, Mrs. Cheveley?

  MRS. CHEVELEY. A diamond snake-brooch with a ruby, a rather large ruby.

  LADY MARKBY. I thought you said there was a sapphire on the head, dear?

  MRS. CHEVELEY (smiling). No, Lady Markby – a ruby.

  LADY MARKBY (nodding her head). And very becoming, I am quite sure.

  LADY CHILTERN. Has a ruby and diamond brooch been found in any of the rooms this morning, Mason?

  MASON. No, my lady.

  MRS. CHEVELEY. It really is of no consequence, Lady Chiltern. I am so sorry to have put you to any inconvenience.

  LADY CHILTERN (coldly). Oh, it has been no inconvenience. That will do, Mason. You can bring tea.

  Exit MASON.

  LADY MARKBY. Well, I must say it is most annoying to lose anything. I remember once at Bath, years ago, losing in the Pump Room an exceedingly handsome cameo bracelet that Sir John had given me. I don’t think he has ever given me anything since, I am sorry to say. He has sadly degenerated. Really, this horrid House of Commons quite ruins our husbands for us. I think the Lower House by far the greatest blow to a happy married life that there has been since that terrible thing called the Higher Education of Women was invented.

  LADY CHILTERN. Ah! it is heresy to say that in this house, Lady Markby. Robert is a great champion of the Higher Education of Women, and so, I am afraid, am I.

  MRS. CHEVELEY. The higher education of men is what I should like to see. Men need it so sadly.

  LADY MARKBY. They do, dear. But I am afraid such a scheme would be quite unpractical. I don’t think man has much capacity for development. He has got as far as he can, and that is not far, is it? With regard to women, well, dear Gertrude, you belong to the younger generation, and I am sure it is all right if you approve of it. In my time, of course, we were taught not to understand anything. That was the old system, and wonderfully interesting it was. I assure you that the amount of things I and my poor dear sister were taught not to understand was quite extraordinary. But modern women understand everything, I am told.

  MRS. CHEVELEY. Except their husbands. That is the one thing the modern woman never understands.

  LADY MARKBY. And a very good thing too, dear, I dare say. It might break up many a happy home if they did. Not yours, I need hardly say, Gertrude. You have married a pattern husband. I wish I could say as much
for myself. But since Sir John has taken to attending the debates regularly, which he never used to do in the good old days, his language has become quite impossible. He always seems to think that he is addressing the House, and consequently whenever he discusses the state of the agricultural labourer, or the Welsh Church, or something quite improper of that kind, I am obliged to send all the servants out of the room. It is not pleasant to see one’s own butler, who has been with one for twenty-three years, actually blushing at the side-board, and the footmen making contortions in corners like persons in circuses. I assure you my life will be quite ruined unless they send John at once to the Upper House. He won’t take any interest in politics then, will he? The House of Lords is so sensible. An assembly of gentlemen. But in his present state, Sir John is really a great trial. Why, this morning before breakfast was half-over, he stood up on the hearthrug, put his hands in his pockets, and appealed to the country at the top of his voice. I left the table as soon as I had my second cup of tea, I need hardly say. But his violent language could be heard all over the house! I trust, Gertrude, that Sir Robert is not like that?

  LADY CHILTERN. But I am very much interested in politics, Lady Markby. I love to hear Robert talk about them.

  LADY MARKBY. Well, I hope he is not as devoted to Blue Books as Sir John is. I don’t think they can be quite improving reading for anyone.

  MRS. CHEVELEY (languidly). I have never read a Blue Book. I prefer books … in yellow covers.

  LADY MARKBY (genially unconscious). Yellow is a gayer colour, is it not? I used to wear yellow a good deal in my early days, and would do so now if Sir John was not so painfully personal in his observations, and a man on the question of dress is always ridiculous, is he not?

  MRS. CHEVELEY. Oh, no! I think men are the only authorities on dress.

  LADY MARKBY. Really? One wouldn’t say so from the sort of hats they wear, would one?

  The butler enters, followed by the footman. Tea is set on a small table close to LADY CHILTERN.

  LADY CHILTERN. May I give you some tea, Mrs. Cheveley?

  MRS. CHEVELEY. Thanks.

  The butler hands MRS. CHEVELEY a cup of tea on a salver.

  LADY CHILTERN. Some tea, Lady Markby?